Monday, March 31, 2008

10 years ago today

10 years ago today I was admitted to the hospital. Little did I know what I was about to learn was going to impact my life dramatically! I had been complaining about my arm for a couple of days when I raised it above my head but I really didn't think about it. I woke up on a Tuesday morning and my arm was purple from the upper part of my arm all the way to my fingertips. I worked for a MD at the time so I went to his office and he immediatly sent me to the cardiologist upstairs. When I arrived, they said they were going to admit me for some tests. I thought- no big deal. I'll be in and out in no time. While doing all of this- I'm a freshmen in college!!

After I got to the hospital, I was admitted and it was found that I had a DVT (blood clot) in my right sub-clavian. For those that don't know where that is- it's right under your collar bone. So, for the next seven days, I endured the ICU, tons of poking and proding, throwing up, and lots of visits by my most amazing family and friends!!! So, I was diagnosed with Antiphophosolipid Antibody Syndrome. I was told that I had to take Coumadin (blood thinner) for the rest of my life. But don't worry- it shouldn't change my lifestyle too much. For the most part- it is just another interesting fact about me and I have to take some meds.

BUT the worst thing in my life ever- because of this syndrome I lost my precious baby girl Grace Addison whom I would die to have back in my life again!!! Not a day goes by that don't grieve for her, talk to her, cry for her and wish I could do anything to have her back. I have had a really hard time lately with everything because March 21 was my due date with her and I should have been celebrating her 1st birthday. But no, no one remembered that day (that is okay with me) and it was extremely hard for me. I celebrate her angel day and that is the day that I want everyone to remember so I guess it was and is private grieving that I'm going through. Honestly- it just SUCKS!!! I never thought in a million years that I would not be able to have children because I have loved and cared for so many throughout my childhood.

There's no real point to this post but I just needed to get it out. I feel at times that I just want to scream and this is one of them. I just wish that I could have my baby back.

The picture at the top is my favorite picture of Grace!!!


Anonymous said...

Dear Jen,
I too understand your grief and sometimes only those of us who have lost a child understand one another. I dont think I have ever told you but I lost a baby girl in my 21st week of pregancy. And you are so right, sometimes people JUST DONT THINK!!! I am fortunate enough that God did bless me with 2boys prior to that lost and 1 more after, but it still does NOT take away the pain of loosing her. I would be RICH if I were to have a $1 for everytime someone said to me (while seeing me with my 3 boys) "Don't you WISH you had a girl!!".... Usually I just shyly smile and say yes, covering up the PAIN they just inflicted with their comment. Because my reality is, I HAD A GIRL!!! But of course, they don't know that and I keep my mouth shut so as to NOT MAKE THEM FEEL BADLY about their ignorant comment. So instead, again I endure the pain of the loss in silence like ONLY other Mom's like you understand!! Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the site. A group like yours would have been so helpful to me back then and I am so glad you have them to turn to. I will continue to keep you and Brian and your adoption process in my prayers. Your Mom keeps me updated and I want to see all of you happy.... She soooo deserves to be a Grandma! Take Care... all my prayers... Annie

Jill said...

Oh Jen,
I am so sorry!! I wish there was something I could say or do for you. I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and your precious daughter Grace. I too, would give anything to have the twins with me, even just for 5 more minutes. I hope to see you Wednesday night.

Jill from MISS

Kristi said...


I am so sorry that I didn't remember her due date. I know how difficult is when no one remembers these special dates.

LaWanna said...

I am SO SORRY for missing this very important day! I feel just horrible for that, but just know that even when no one is there for you, you can ALWAYS count on Jesus Christ! When our loved ones fail us, He is always there and has been there!!!! Again, I am so sorry!

Corinne said...

Dear Jen,
I am so sorry that I did not remember your due date. :( Thinking of you,